It took me a long time in my professional life to learn that my chances of getting what I wanted increased significantly if I asked for it.

It seems obvious, but somehow, between politeness, awkwardness, fear of rejection, or humility, I forgot. As a child, I had no hesitation in asking for things. But somewhere along the way, I got out of the habit.

Like in a relationship, asking for what you want avoids others having to guess—and potentially getting it wrong. If no one knows what you need, it's easy to feel overlooked, even when no one meant to ignore you.

That's not to say asking is easy or without risk. Social norms, power dynamics, and biases mean that the same request can be received very differently depending on who asks. In some cases, asking outright might even backfire. But when possible, asking remains a powerful tool.

Sometimes, asking is an obligation. If you're seething with resentment because you stayed late at work when you really needed to be back early today, that serves no one very well. You might do a worse job and be unhappy to boot. If there's something you need to be happy in your job and your manager doesn't know, it's hard for them to help.

Twenty years ago, my wife and I went on an expedition to climb Mt Kenya. As we reached camp on the second day of hiking, one group member shared that he couldn't eat any foods containing gluten. By then, finding alternatives was challenging—the meals had been planned and packed days before—and jeopardised the whole trip.

To ask for what you want, you must first figure out what you want. This isn't always straightforward, and it's easy to drift along without thinking about what you'd like and where you want to go. Doing the hard work to figure that out helps you and those you work with when planning and opportunities for change arise.

You might never get what you ask for. But I've found that even when I didn't get what I wanted at the time, I sometimes got what I asked for later. When people know what you're looking for, they're more likely to think of you when the right moment comes.

Is there something you want but haven't actually asked for? Maybe now's the time.

"You get in life what you have the courage to ask for."

Whose Job Is It?: The Responsibility Poem

Asking for What You Want

Building your own panel of advisors is a simple technique to expand your perspectives and guide yourself through tough decisions. Think of people whose judgement and values you respect, add them to your mental panel, and when faced with a dilemma, ask, "What would you do?"

While a real panel of advisors is invaluable, an imaginary panel has advantages: it's not limited to people you can call, and it requires no one else's time.

Your panel can include your mum, Uncle Jim, your best friend, or your high school science teacher. But why stop there? You could invite Taylor Swift, Marcus Aurelius, Eleanor Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, or the Buddha—famous figures whose qualities and wisdom inspire you.

Diversity is key to your panel's success, as it brings a broader range of perspectives. Uncle Jim would likely approach a problem very differently from the Buddha, and you can access both viewpoints simply by considering how each might respond.

It's curious how we can get more diverse perspectives by ourselves simply by adopting the view or mindset of someone else (as we understand them). In this way, it's rather like De Bono's 6 Thinking Hats technique. And it reminds me of my favourite research results where people generated more ideas when prompted to ideate as if they were a creative person.

Benjamin Franklin regularly sought to emulate his role models, as in his 13th virtue: "Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates." Similarly, Napoleon Hill described meeting with "Invisible Counselors" in Think and Grow Rich to gain insights from imagined mentors. I can't remember where I first came across this strategy but I love to put it into action.

Related Ideas to Building Your Own Panel of Advisors

Build Your Panel of Advisors to Ask for Advice

Hanlon's Razor is the adage: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Or sometimes, "Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence."

It appears in a similar form by the inimitable Johann Wolfgang von Goethe as, "And I have again observed, my dear friend, in this trifling affair, that misunderstandings and neglect occasion more mischief in the world than even malice and wickedness. At all events, the two latter are of less frequent occurrence," in The Sorrows of Young Werther. The same sentiments are also shared by William James, Churchill, and H.G. Wells. More recently, Douglas Hubbard gave a more modern version in his book The Failure of Risk Management: Why It's Broken and How to Fix It: "Never attribute to malice or stupidity that which can be explained by moderately rational individuals following incentives in a complex system."

The mistake of assuming bad intentions was brought home to me when puzzling why people kept leaving paper towels in the sinks of the bathrooms at university. How hard is it to put them in the bin?? A year after assuming my fellow students were either lazy or inconsiderate or both, I was washing my hands when another student dried his hands on the towel, walked to the door, opened it by covering the handle with the paper towel — presumably to avoid the germs — and then aimed his paper towel at the bin which was between the sinks. He missed, and it landed in the sink as he walked off down the corridor. Suddenly, it was clear to me that the hygiene of the door handle was higher in consideration of towel-in-the-sink people than whether or not their towel hit their target (and whether it was worth checking if their towel had hit the bin). It made sense. Someone later moved the bin next to the door, and it didn't happen again.

Besides towels in sinks, I've seen people get mad at others pushing in line when the pushers-in didn't realise other people were queuing. I've seen drivers shouting at another driver who's in blissful ignorance of the trouble they've caused. I've seen agents blamed for terrible customer service when the system is at fault, and customer service blame users when the product is at fault. I've seen people despairing at others leaving litter in the park or on the street when animals had dragged out the mess overnight. I've seen people vilified for not moving down on a train when they weren't aware of the squeeze at the other end. And, usually, I think people aren't smart or capable enough, or in fact wicked enough, to carry out the conspiracies that people credit them for. Very often it's the person assuming bad intentions and getting mad who suffers the most.

To be sure, there are different degrees of negligence. We can all make mistakes, but if you're doing your taxes, it's not okay to make a mistake because you didn't read the instructions. If you're standing on a busy train, you owe it to others to be aware that you may be blocking an aisle, and we should do our best to make sure our rubbish stays where we put it. But none of us are perfect and so often I think Hanlon's Razor has some truth to it.

Perhaps a better formulation of Hanlon's Razor would be, "Before attributing to malice, try attributing to incompetence." But I'm not a fan of the wording with 'stupidity' or 'incompetence'. Awareness is so often the necessary start and what's missing.

Since posting this, a few people also shared with me Clarke's Corollary:  "Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice." And another relevant name for a similar situation is Cock-up Over Conspiracy.

Hanlon's Razor, which encourages us first to consider innocent mistakes rather than assuming ill will, was a submission to Murphy's Law, book two: more reasons why things go wrong, by Arthur Bloch (p52). Murphy's Law is "If anything can go wrong, it will." I've also previously covered Muphry's Law, where, when criticising spelling or grammar, you will make a spelling or grammar mistake yourself.

Fundamental Attribution Error (someone shared Hanlon's Razor with me on posting this)

More conjectures and thinking named after people:

Hanlon's Razor

Point positive is a rafting term for agreeing in advance to point towards the safe way out of danger rather than towards the dangers themselves.

So, should a raft get stuck on a rock in a rapid, pointing positive would be pointing away from the obstacles to help a raft behind navigate through safely. Or should there be an unintentional swimmer, pointing positive is pointing towards the safest channel to steer towards.

Like "Don't fix the blame, fix the problem," point positive is a valuable metaphor and reminder that it's often less helpful to dwell on difficulties and problems than to direct others and our energies toward positive ways forward and solutions.

Also see: It's easier to give privacy than to find it

Point positive

It's easy to want to complain at the weather. The trouble is, it doesn't have any effect on it.

Complaining at the weather

At times we've probably all been confused or struggled to understand a talk or a class. When I'm lost or confused my rule of thumb is to ask, even when it's not easy.

The desire to understand what's being said fights with the urge not to interrupt the talk or ask what may be a dumb question — perhaps everyone else already knows? But in my experience, if I'm confused, others likely are too.

It helps to believe this because I know that asking will probably help others and not just myself — asking is a public service. It's very easy as a speaker to assume that others will know what you know and so jargon and TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms - really an initialism) so easily slip in. When someone asks it helps include everyone again.

And you're not just doing a favour for the audience by asking — it's a gift for the speaker too. If I'm giving a talk I want people to get what I'm sharing and not suffer in silence thinking they're stupid and I'm confusing. I want everyone to follow from start to end. It's one more good reason to thank people for the questions you receive.

Let's banish confusion and all get to the end together by asking the question.

This advice stands provided you've been paying attention along the way.

I was surprised to find there are a number of, mostly older, sketches on questions and asking:

Ask the question at talks

Sharpen the saw is a metaphor and story to remind us to refresh and recharge ourselves.

When you're deep in, it may feel like you have no time to pause. No time to take a break, there's too much to get done. Perhaps no time to stop and think about how you're working. No time to step back and improve your processes or work on your tools. Maybe even no time to look after yourself, to recharge, to reflect, to take a walk.

As the metaphor goes, you may feel you have no time to stop and sharpen the saw. Until you do it, and then you may realise you have no time to not stop and sharpen the saw.

Sharpen the saw is habit 7 of Stephen Covey's classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Sharpen the saw

Anyone who's tried their hand at research, built some software, or even run a kid's birthday party may relate to this idea: In theory, practice is the same as theory, but not in practice.

It's a lovely encapsulation of similar ideas to "All models are wrong, but some are useful" or "No plan survives contact with the enemy." Or one of my favourites, Hofstadter's Law: "It always takes longer than you expect, even when you account for Hofstadter's Law."

The quote, in varying forms, has been attributed to a number of people — QI suggests that Benjamin Brewster should get the credit from 1882.

In theory, practice is the same as theory, but not in practice

"Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut" is a simple reminder that asking someone with a vested interest in the outcome isn't likely to lead to an unbiased answer—"Do you need a haircut? Of course, you do!"

Should I upgrade my phone? Mobile provider: Yes!

Should I review my mortgage? Mortgage broker: Yes!

Should I review my portfolio? Stockbroker: Yes!

Should I get some more insurance? Insurance salesperson: Yes!

Do I need a security audit? Cybersecurity firm: Yes!

While we can decide about our hair with few consequences to anyone but ourselves, on more significant occasions or domains where we lack expertise, asking a professional may be precisely what we need. A professional with skills and knowledge we don't have can see what we can't. So, asking a professional to review what you're doing might tell you what you didn't and couldn't think to ask.

Just be thoughtful about who and how you ask.

Warren Buffet famously shared this phrase, though it appears in several similar earlier forms.

This sketch, along with plenty of other sketches for advice, appears in my book Big Ideas Little Pictures

Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut

It's all too easy. Someone's talking with you and you make a connection to a story to share or a solution to give. From that point on it's so easy to switch off from what they're sharing with you and just be waiting for your moment to jump in and regale your story, or share your solution. You might have noticed it when it's happened to you — it didn't seem to matter what you said, they didn't really seem to take in what you were saying and why it was important, it just bounced off. It's not very satisfying.

The alternative is to really listen, perhaps to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard. It can be a little scary. You might not have an answer, and what you hear might challenge your beliefs or teach you something you didn't really want to learn — it might change you — and it requires effort. But it's surely a better way to relate to each other.

I don't get this right all the time, but I did at least become aware of it when learning improvisation with Dan Klein and the second rule of improv: be spontaneous.

Be open to be changed

Some simple wisdom from Kurt Vonnegut: notice when you’re happy.

“My uncle Alex Vonnegut, a Harvard-educated life insurance salesman who lived at 5033 North Pennsylvania Street, taught me something very important.

He said that when things were really going well, we should be sure to NOTICE it. He was talking about simple occasions, not great victories: maybe drinking lemonade on a hot afternoon in the shade, or smelling the aroma of a nearby bakery; or fishing, and not caring if we catch anything or not, or hearing somebody all alone playing a piano really well in the house next door.

Uncle Alex urged me to say this out loud during such epiphanies: “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is”

"So I do the same now, and so do my kids and grandkids. And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”

Notice when you're happy: If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is

“Just remember that finishing lines are good, but their most important role is to get you over the start line in the first place.”

This little piece of wisdom is from Stevie Smith (not the poet). Stevie embarked on a human-powered journey around the world—Expedition 360—and reached Hawaii under pedal power*. I learned about him from a little chapter in One Man and His Bike by Mike Carter. As soon as I finished the chapter where he speaks with Stevie I immediately reread it.

Mike also shared this deeper and more poetic version of the same insight:

“Happiness is the acceptance of the journey as it is now, not the promise of the other shore”

*Stevie’s companion Jason Lewis completed the circumnavigation of the world 13 years after they began.

This quote, modified to a lovely two-page spread, features with a number of others in my book Big Ideas Little Pictures.

You can also listen to us discuss this sketch with the brilliant Brendan Leonard in the Sketchplanations podcast episode on Finishing lines

Finishing lines

Many of us feel the desire to discover a singular purpose—the one true mission that defines what we should do and where we fit—our ikigai. But perhaps it doesn't have to be that way.

Priya Singh offers a refreshing alternative: Instead of chasing one elusive “why,” recognise that we don't have just one singular purpose and that it can evolve. It’s not a pot of gold or treasure to be found, and we're not failing if we haven't found it.

Three Types of Work: Feeding You, the World and Your Soul

Singh introduces a helpful framework with three types of work:

Work that feeds you and those that depend on you

Your work may fit into one or more of these categories but don’t fall into the trap of thinking it needs to fulfil all three at once.

Rather than striving for the mythical “dream job” that checks every box, embrace the possibility of balance across multiple roles or pursuits.

Rather than striving for the mythical “dream job” that checks every box, embrace the idea of balance across multiple roles or pursuits. Work that fits into just one or two of these areas is plenty—and can be deeply fulfilling.

When faced with opportunities, try shifting your mindset. Instead of asking, “Why do it?” ask, “Why not?” Often, we reject ideas before even giving them a chance.

When presented with an opportunity or an idea, instead of asking why do it, try asking why not—practice not rejecting yourself before you’ve even started.

Framework and wise ideas: Priya Singh. Any misinterpretation or inaccuracy is due to me.

This sketch appears in my book Big Ideas Little Pictures

Discovering Truth and Beauty and Sharing it with Others

Find your why not

So often do we talk about speaking with passion, much rarer do we think about listening with passion.

Conversations are two-sided, they only work if one person is listening while the other is talking. Unfortunately, we tend to have a greater innate interest in making sure others know the smart, interesting and important things that we think than truly absorbing what someone else has to say. So I love this quote from Harriet Lerner:

Listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.

If we all could do this routinely with our colleagues, friends, family, children, and partners I’d guess it’d make quite a difference.

I learned about it from Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead.

Listen with passion

Clayton Christensen, in his book and article ’How will you measure your life?’, discusses what he learned about how to live a life of integrity. Among other things he says:

It’s easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than it is to hold to them 98% of the time. If you give in to “just this once,”…you’ll regret where you end up. You’ve got to define for yourself what you stand for and draw the line in a safe place.

I think this is relevant, both in the small things — whether to work out today when it’s raining —  and in the larger decisions which help us be proud of our lives.

The dangers of just this once

A simple way to remember if you locked your car, turned the gas off, watered the plants or whatever, is to do something unusual around the time that you do it. When you find yourself thinking back to whether you did it or not, you will know for sure when you remember the strange thing that you did that is connected to it. The only limit is your imagination.

Ironically, I can’t remember where I learned this — I must not have followed this tip.

How to remember if you did something

Compliments are gifts is a lovely metaphor for making the world brighter.

I can’t remember where I heard or read it, but I have found that when I think of a compliment as having a gift for someone, if I don't let them know my compliment, then it's like having a gift with their name on it and holding it back.

This reframe has made me take the time to share compliments more often with friends, colleagues, shopkeepers, the person who always has a cheery smile in the morning, the person who organised the event, my kids, my wife, and pretty much everyone. And life seems a better place. Do it!

Thank you for following and checking out this sketch. It’s a privilege.

Compliments are gifts

Whenever I think of the convenience of someone doing something for me I usually conclude it’s easily worth a tip. So I have taken to adding one. Then hopefully they’ll be happy to do it again in the future too.

Volunteer your own booking fee

A helpful observation from not following this many times in my life.

Front load names to cue attention

A Dracula sneeze is sneezing into your sleeve at your elbow rather than sneezing into your hands.

The dramatic full Dracula pose is a fun reminder of a more hygienic way to sneeze should you be caught without a tissue. Keeping your hands clean by catching sneezes or coughs in this way helps reduce the chance of spreading cold and flu germs.

However, the CDC’s preferred method for coughing and sneezing is to cover your mouth and nose with a tissue, throw it in the trash and wash your hands.

This sketch, updated and polished, features with a number of others in my book Big Ideas Little Pictures.

Dracula sneeze

They could be trying politely to tell you something.

Always accept a mint when offered

I learned about this nice principle from agile software development. Basically, that when thinking about how much you’ll get done next week, what you got done this week is a good proxy. Sure this week was different because you had that external presentation and an offsite, a bug to fix on live and Amy was sick. But the reality is things will interrupt you next week too. Just like the weather, what happened before is a good first guess at what will happen next.

Yesterday’s weather

It achieves nothing but bitterness. I am yet to witness an occasion where saying "I told you so" or an equivalent led to a net positive effect.

Never say “I told you so.”

Some activities, no matter how much time you spend on them, just keep coming back. These include cleaning, ironing, washing up and watching the news. There’ll always be more tomorrow. If I can, I try to spend time, first, on activities that have a lasting impact, even in a small way. Better to be tired tidying the kitchen than too tired to start that project you care about. If possible, forget about news entirely. I have consistently found that when we’ve been out of touch traveling for some weeks, the world has carried on plenty well enough without me.

Unfortunately, you still have to do the others sometimes, just try not to let them push out the other things. As you can imagine, this leads to a delicate household balance.

Spend time on activities with long-term value first

Fail cheerfully. Be obvious. It’s not about you. Dan Klein is my improv guru having had the fortune to learn from him a couple of times. Thanks Dan. And, as usual, improv tips tend to extend as good practice beyond improv.

The improv attitude

Ask for what you need or it’s on you if you don’t get it.

The frame change for me was that you’re not owed anything. It’s on you to help yourself and help others out in the process.

Ask for what you need

…and add years to your life, and life to your years.

Take the stairs

A little nugget of wisdom from a book I read long ago called Technotrends by Daniel Burrus.

Don’t fix the blame, fix the problem

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants

There’s no point in being in a room full of interesting people and not being able to find each other. Asking a question early on can give you a good conference day by letting others know who you are, what you look like and what you're interested in. It's like sharing your bio, and sometimes agenda, with the room. This helps you stand out later for others to seek you out.

Ask a question early at conferences

I’ve always been somewhat guarded about sharing, preferring to stick with close friends and family. This frame shift, provided for me by JP Rangaswami, was part of the reason for putting Sketchplanations up here. And it’s spot on. How could I possibly know who may find which sketchplanation interesting?

Share by Default

Incremental improvements won’t always get you to the optimal solution depending on where you start.

Beware of local optimisation

Having been on the other side of this countless times, those small moments of generosity and openness from locals can literally transform your perceptions of the world. We are all ambassadors.

Be nice to tourists

Three principles for spending your money to make you happier from the excellent titled paper "If money doesn’t make you happy then you probably aren’t spending it right."

Buy many small pleasures instead of a few big ones.

If I feel like I have money and I'm not feeling so happy, the tips from this paper come to mind, and I find myself reflecting on what I could be doing differently with my money.

More generally, I believe there is a correlation between money and happiness, but only up to a certain level, at which point most of our needs are met, and more money doesn't tend to make people that much happier.

Elizabeth W. Dunn, Daniel T. Gilbert, Timothy D. Wilson, If money doesn't make you happy, then you probably aren't spending it right, Journal of Consumer Psychology, Volume 21, Issue 2, 2011, Pages 115-125, ISSN 1057-7408, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcps.2011.02.002

Spend better

Advice indirectly from Nigella Lawson in her husband Charles Saatchi’s book.

Also, a pretty direct reading from How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Better to be interested than try to be interesting

Of all my sketches, I have a soft spot for this one.

We had some lovely family friends who were massively into birding. As a schoolboy, I was more interested in birds than most, but one day, my Dad and I went to stay with them.

They talked us through trips they'd been around the world to spot rare and remarkable birds. They had an amazing telescope trained on the birds at the feeder in their garden. They had wonderful binoculars we used on a bird walk, which showed me birds clearer and closer than I'd ever seen. They knew what birds to look out for and had tape recordings of specific bird calls that brought the birds to nearby bushes. It was impossible to be around them and not start to love birds.

As I've gotten older, I've realised pretty much everything and everyone is like that. Premier League football is boring if you don't pay close attention to it, but if you follow every detail, it can be engrossing. I didn't think much of textiles, but after spending an afternoon weaving in Laos, I loved it.

Pretty much everything has the thing they're deeply interested in.

The physicist Richard Feynman said: "Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into it deeply enough."

And here's another similar sentiment from the writer Henry Miller: "The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself."

It reminds me that just because I don't see something as interesting now doesn't mean that it's not or that people who are into it are somehow weird.

Everyone's a geek about something. And that's wonderful.

I revised this sketch in March 2025 for the podcast episode. Here's the original

And here's the updated and expanded version.

Everyone’s a geek about something

It's a wonderful thing how at bedtime one day can be a disaster with a child and you can be the person they least like in the world and the next day, without fail, all is forgotten and you can be their favourite once more. Every day is a clean slate and a fresh start to be nice to each other and do something wonderful together. It's such a refreshing attitude when compared to adults who can willingly or unintentionally hold a grudge for decades.

Don’t hold grudges

Young children have this wonderful and at times incredibly frustrating ability to completely ignore the past, even moments ago, and pay no heed whatsoever to the future. They're a fabulous lesson in living in the present. That they were miserable just now when someone took what they were playing with — doesn't matter any more. That playing in the puddle for longer means you'll miss the bus, and be late for lunch with friends — doesn't matter. All that matters is now.

I have a theory that as we grow older our circle of attention expands.

Live in the present

Enjoy your hotel room more by making the most of it:

Enjoy your hotel room more

Don’t let other people get you down

A pretty good rule for most of what we produce.

Twice as much thought and half as much content

When someone gives you a compliment, accept it.

I learned this after I disagreed with a compliment someone gave me, which took a generous compliment for me and made both of us less happy.

If someone has a compliment for you, whether you agree with it or not, it's their view, and the least you can do to accept it gracefully.

Or as Kevin Kelly says: "Denying or deflecting a compliment is rude. Accept it with thanks."

Advice sketches