Asking for What You Want
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It took me a long time in my professional life to learn that my chances of getting what I wanted increased significantly if I asked for it.
It seems obvious, but somehow, between politeness, awkwardness, fear of rejection, or humility, I forgot. As a child, I had no hesitation in asking for things. But somewhere along the way, I got out of the habit.
Like in a relationship, asking for what you want avoids others having to guess—and potentially getting it wrong. If no one knows what you need, it's easy to feel overlooked, even when no one meant to ignore you.
That's not to say asking is easy or without risk. Social norms, power dynamics, and biases mean that the same request can be received very differently depending on who asks. In some cases, asking outright might even backfire. But when possible, asking remains a powerful tool.
Sometimes, asking is an obligation. If you're seething with resentment because you stayed late at work when you really needed to be back early today, that serves no one very well. You might do a worse job and be unhappy to boot. If there's something you need to be happy in your job and your manager doesn't know, it's hard for them to help.
Twenty years ago, my wife and I went on an expedition to climb Mt Kenya. As we reached camp on the second day of hiking, one group member shared that he couldn't eat any foods containing gluten. By then, finding alternatives was challenging—the meals had been planned and packed days before—and jeopardised the whole trip.
To ask for what you want, you must first figure out what you want. This isn't always straightforward, and it's easy to drift along without thinking about what you'd like and where you want to go. Doing the hard work to figure that out helps you and those you work with when planning and opportunities for change arise.
You might never get what you ask for. But I've found that even when I didn't get what I wanted at the time, I sometimes got what I asked for later. When people know what you're looking for, they're more likely to think of you when the right moment comes.
Is there something you want but haven't actually asked for? Maybe now's the time.
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