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Feedback fear

Feedback fear illustration: A poor soul goes through all sorts of internal doubts about what they might have done wrong and how they might have failed when someone gives a friendly suggestion to ask what others think

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Feedback is how we get better. It's how we find out what we couldn't see ourselves. But there are many reasons why it's more challenging to gather than we might hope.

You might have a design prototype, a book or article draft, a new practice you want your team to adopt, or a project you've been working on. Feedback will make it better, but it's easy to feel anxious.

You might want to avoid having to talk to people. Maybe you're worried about what others think—perhaps they won't like it. Maybe you'll have to start over. Maybe you'll hear what you know deep down. Maybe you might see that others could do it better than you, that it shouldn't be you that's doing it. Maybe you'll find out that you're a failure.

If we care about achieving the best outcome, we can dispel most of these fears with a few moments of reflection—of course, I'm not a failure for trying!—but it doesn't mean they feel any less real at the time. As is often the case, action can be the solution, and gathering feedback is, in my experience, usually energising and confidence-building—now you can see what will make your project fly.

Jane Austen was known to read her novels aloud to her family for both evening entertainment (pre-Netflix) and to help revise and hone her writing.

Some strategies to get past these fears:

Remember, the first draft is always perfect.
Don't take things personally or yourself too seriously.
Don't get attached to one option—attach yourself instead to a great outcome.
To avoid sunk costs clouding your judgment, seek feedback before you're too invested.
Stay fuelled and energised.
Share multiple options when you can. It makes it easier for others to give comparative feedback and reduces the chances of taking it personally.
Remember how valuable good feedback has been in the past.
Consider who to gather feedback from. Sometimes complete strangers can help (who cares if they don't like it?), and other times a friendly face can ease you into it.
Remember the spectrum policy to focus on the good in an idea.
Try rubberducking.
Be open to be changed.
Try the six thinking hats.

Published 7 May 2023

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Keep exploring

Phubbing illustration: Someone sat in a cafe being phubbed by their friends on their phones while a parent and child walks by, gently heartbroken by being upstaged by a phone

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The writer's in the writing, the artist's in the art visual showing a red writer writing red words in a book, and a blue painter painting a canvas of The Wave in blue

The Writer's in the Writing. The Artist's in the Art.

OODA Loop explained: military strategist John Boyd's framework for action in conflict is shown as a closed loop cycle of Orient, Decide, Act, Observe and back to the beginning. The cycle also applies to business when you reconsider the points on the cycle as Frame, Strategize, Test, Gather.

Goodhart's law illustration showing a manager frustrated by 1000's of tiny nails when measuring on number of nails made, and pulling their hair out when presented with giant nails when measuring on weight

Goodhart’s Law: when a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.

Examples of the 4 horsemen of relationship apocalypse from John Gottman: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling

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Phubbing: snubbing people for your phone. We've probably all experienced it — heck, we've probably all done it at one point or another — or at least it's likely to be familiar. Someone in a restaurant waiting for their friends to put their phones down. A family gathering where people are no longer talking to each other. A teacher without the attention of their students. A child failing to get the attention of an adult who's trying to process some messages on their phone. Research on phubbing, mostly since the word was coined, says it largely has the effects you'd think it would. The effects vary with who's being phubbed and who's doing the phubbing: bosses and employees, family members, parents and kids, or partners. Whoever's phubbing who, snubbing is a suitable root word for it — it's not so nice to feel snubbed. I learned about phubbing from the Mind over Tech community — they also have a newsletter on forming better digital habits. The word phubbing has the unusual distinction of being created for an advertising campaign to sell a dictionary. Phubbing, you may have spotted, is a portemanteau. For more phone annoyance see halfalogue. See, for example, Knausenberger, J. et al. (2022). Feeling Ostracized by Others’ Smartphone Use: The Effect of Phubbing on Fundamental Needs, Mood, and Trust. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.883901 Also see: phone zombie, continuous partial attention, when drinking tea…Phubbing: snubbing people for your phone. We've probably all experienced it — heck, we've probably all done it at one point or another — or at least it's likely to be familiar. Someone in a restaurant waiting for their friends to put their phones down. A family gathering where people are no longer talking to each other. A teacher without the attention of their students. A child failing to get the attention of an adult who's trying to process some messages on their phone. Research on phubbing, mostly since the word was coined, says it largely has the effects you'd think it would. The effects vary with who's being phubbed and who's doing the phubbing: bosses and employees, family members, parents and kids, or partners. Whoever's phubbing who, snubbing is a suitable root word for it — it's not so nice to feel snubbed. I learned about phubbing from the Mind over Tech community — they also have a newsletter on forming better digital habits. The word phubbing has the unusual distinction of being created for an advertising campaign to sell a dictionary. Phubbing, you may have spotted, is a portemanteau. For more phone annoyance see halfalogue. See, for example, Knausenberger, J. et al. (2022). Feeling Ostracized by Others’ Smartphone Use: The Effect of Phubbing on Fundamental Needs, Mood, and Trust. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.883901 Also see: phone zombie, continuous partial attention, when drinking tea

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