Emotional hot potato

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The boss yells at the employee, the employee yells at their spouse, the spouse yells at the child, the child yells at their younger sibling, the sibling yells at the dog, and the dog pees on the rug.

This scene is an excellent example of Emotional Hot Potato, where the "hot potato" emotion makes its painful way through each family member.

Bad moods can be contagious, as can anger and anxiety. Our innate empathy can naturally transfer a bad mood from a coworker to ourselves.

Emotional hot potato can also be a form of projection where we attempt to rid ourselves of an unpleasant emotion by transferring it or attributing it to others. By handling the hot potato of a teenage child's anger, for example, the parent may find themselves seething while the child feels better having passed on the potato.

Another related idea is displacement. Strong emotions may build up in some interactions and it may not be appropriate, or wise, to vent those emotions, say with our boss or someone bigger than us in the playground. Instead, we might suppress the emotion until we can channel it onto easier targets, perhaps younger siblings or the dog.

Ouch!

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Robert Sapolsky mentions a similar idea in his book Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst and that it's not restricted only to people. He shares:

"Stress-induced (aka frustration-induced) displacement aggression is ubiquitous in various species. Among baboons, for example, nearly half of aggression is this type — a high-ranking male loses a fight and chases a subadult male, who promptly bites a female, who then lunges at an infant."

I learned the term from Lawrence Cohen in Playful Parenting: An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children That Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Confidence , Ballantine Books, 2012.

This sketch features in my book Big Ideas Little Pictures

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Published 30 Sep 2017

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Even when you’ve figured out the basics of family relations, families, in just a few generations, can get surprisingly complex. I won’t pretend this sketch doesn’t require a little study. What Are First, Second, and Third Cousins? What is a first, second or third cousin? And what does once or twice removed have to do with anything? One way to think about it is that the first, second or third cousins have to do with the number of generations you are away from a shared ancestor. So, who you would probably normally call your cousins — your parents brothers or sisters, children — have one generation, your parents generation, before reaching grandparents that are shared by both. If you have children, and your first cousins have children, they will be second cousins to each other as it’s now two generations to a shared ancestor — their great-grandparents in this case. In short: First cousins share grandparents Second cousins share great-grandparents Third cousins share great-great-grandparents What Does “Once Removed” Mean? While first, second, or third cousins of each other are of the same generation, when you are once removed, it means you are cousins one generation apart. "Removed" refers to a generational difference. So, your first cousin’s child is your first cousin once removed, and your parent’s cousin is also your first cousin once removed, just in the opposite direction. Once removed = one generation apart Twice removed = two generations apart If you look at the sketch, you’ll actually see that you are second cousins once removed with your parent’s cousin’s grandchildren. Simple ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Even More Complex Than it Looks Showing these relationships in the sketch gets pretty complicated. And even then, it's much simplified. I haven't included having more than one sibling, any of the in-law families, divorces, remarriages, half-brothers, stepmothers, and the like. Crikey. Honestly, visualising a full family tree is difficult. Videos about Family Trees Two fun videos about family trees people shared with me: The excellent CGP Grey explaining Family Trees The Complicated Chinese Family Tree Related Ideas to Second Cousins Once Removed Grow Not in Each Other's Shadow Emotional Hot Potato Nominative Determinism 5 Gift Guide for Christmas Childhood is Not a Race Front of House, Back of HouseEven when you’ve figured out the basics of family relations, families, in just a few generations, can get surprisingly complex. I won’t pretend this sketch doesn’t require a little study. What Are First, Second, and Third Cousins? What is a first, second or third cousin? And what does once or twice removed have to do with anything? One way to think about it is that the first, second or third cousins have to do with the number of generations you are away from a shared ancestor. So, who you would probably normally call your cousins — your parents brothers or sisters, children — have one generation, your parents generation, before reaching grandparents that are shared by both. If you have children, and your first cousins have children, they will be second cousins to each other as it’s now two generations to a shared ancestor — their great-grandparents in this case. In short: First cousins share grandparents Second cousins share great-grandparents Third cousins share great-great-grandparents What Does “Once Removed” Mean? While first, second, or third cousins of each other are of the same generation, when you are once removed, it means you are cousins one generation apart. "Removed" refers to a generational difference. So, your first cousin’s child is your first cousin once removed, and your parent’s cousin is also your first cousin once removed, just in the opposite direction. Once removed = one generation apart Twice removed = two generations apart If you look at the sketch, you’ll actually see that you are second cousins once removed with your parent’s cousin’s grandchildren. Simple ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Even More Complex Than it Looks Showing these relationships in the sketch gets pretty complicated. And even then, it's much simplified. I haven't included having more than one sibling, any of the in-law families, divorces, remarriages, half-brothers, stepmothers, and the like. Crikey. Honestly, visualising a full family tree is difficult. Videos about Family Trees Two fun videos about family trees people shared with me: The excellent CGP Grey explaining Family Trees The Complicated Chinese Family Tree Related Ideas to Second Cousins Once Removed Grow Not in Each Other's Shadow Emotional Hot Potato Nominative Determinism 5 Gift Guide for Christmas Childhood is Not a Race Front of House, Back of House

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