Emotional hot potato

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The boss yells at the employee, the employee yells at their spouse, the spouse yells at the child, the child yells at their younger sibling, the sibling yells at the dog, the dog pees on the rug. The term emotional hot potato for this comes from Lawrence Cohen in Playful parenting . Funny how bad moods really can work like this.

Published 30 Sep 2017

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Schadenfreude

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Dunbar's number: a person can't remember the name of the one person outside their circles of closer friends, super family, clan and tribe behind them

Dunbar’s number: 150

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Goodhart's law illustration showing a manager frustrated by 1000's of tiny nails when measuring on number of nails made, and pulling their hair out when presented with giant nails when measuring on weight

Goodhart’s Law: when a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.

The Peter Principle

That satisfying, superior, and slightly sinful feeling you get when you see the police pull over the aggressive driver who just sped past you? That’s Schadenfreude. What is Schadenfreude? Schadenfreude is the pleasure we take in someone else's misfortune. The word is a loanword from German, combining Schaden (damage, harm, or hurt) and Freude (joy or happiness). Schadenfreude follows the same linguistic pattern as Vorfreude, which means anticipatory joy—the excitement we feel in anticipation of something positive. At first glance, taking pleasure in someone else's hardship might seem unkind or even morally dubious. Is it a character flaw? Am I an evil person? Yet, on a little more reflection, we discover that Schadenfreude escapes few of us and is both commonplace and revealing about ourselves. Why Do We Feel Schadenfreude? I hadn't thought much of Schadenfreude before reading some excerpts from Tiffany Watt Smith's book Schadenfreude. She makes a compelling case for examining the moments when we feel superior at another's expense as a small window into ourselves. The moments we feel Schadenfreude—whether small or significant—often reflect our personal insecurities, values, or sense of justice. As Nietzsche described, Schadenfreude can be "the revenge of the impotent," emerging from feelings of powerlessness or envy. A boost to self-esteem: When a colleague doesn't get a promotion, a little twinge of joy might reveal your jealousy of their situation or a deep-down resentment of unfairness. Justice served: If the person who pushed in front of you in line drops their ice cream right after buying it, your satisfaction might be a sense of justice and equity for obeying the rules when they didn't. A window into our values: Schadenfreude can highlight what matters to us, whether it's fairness, competition, or maintaining a sense of order. Understanding these moments doesn't make the feeling disappear, but it can help us use Schadenfreude as an opportunity for self-reflection. Examples of Schadenfreude Schadenfreude in Films and Stories: The Villain's Comeuppance At first, I thought that, like a Buddhist monk, I might rise above Schadenfreude and not let my weakness affect me. Yet, as we discussed it in our podcast on Schadenfreude, we realised that it's a common theme through so many Western stories and films. An almost universal theme for films involving good guys and bad guys is the eventual comeuppance, or reckoning, for the evil protagonist. In other words, the bad guys tend to lose and suffer in a nasty way. You know, things like getting pushed out of an airlock, having to walk the plank themselves, or being bitten by their deadly pets. Consider James Bond saying "shocking" as the villain he's been battling falls onto electric lines. Much the same as a mob may have felt when bringing a criminal to justice, typically, we don't pity the bad guy. Often, the writer intends the bad guy's nasty end and the good guy's triumph against adversity to be the most satisfying part of the film—Schadenfreude at work. Schadenfreude in sport Schadenfreude is alive and well, in fact, practically encouraged in sports. In some ways, Schadenfreude is what many sports fans enjoy about sports. Imagine if the winning fans always shook hands with the losing fans, saying, "Jolly well played, you were very unlucky," and the losers said, "You were just too good for us today; good luck to you." Much of the rivalry that so many enjoy in sports would be lost. I know I've felt Schadenfreude when a player I dislike misses a penalty they didn't deserve—even when they're not playing against my team. It feels right, and it's hard not to feel satisfied. In fact, it feels good. I also learned that football fans can feel greater joy when their biggest rivals lose than when their teams win. Now, perhaps the world of sport would be a better place schadenfreude-free, but I can't see it happening any time soon. Reflecting on Schadenfreude While I can't wholly evade Schadenfreude, I aim to avoid its strong feelings. It makes no difference to me if a rude person later has a bad day. I should focus on what I can control and how I react to situations. When someone is mean, it's better if they come to understand a little how their actions impact others than if they have a terrible time. Having a miserable time may cause them to reflect on their actions and be more considerate in future. Or, more likely, it will cause them to be bitter and have no change at all. But when Schadenfreude strikes me, it's now an interesting opportunity for reflection. What does this feeling reveal about my values, and how can I use this insight to improve myself? Perhaps give it a try. Read More For a mini-intro to the intrigues of Schadenfreude, try Tiffany Watt Smith's TED Ideas article: Do you secretly feel good when others stumble? 5 ways to make peace with this very human emotion. I revised this sketch for the book Big Ideas Little Pictures. Ideas related to Schadenfreude If you found Schadenfreude intriguing, you might enjoy these related concepts: Vorfreude: The pleasure of anticipation—like the joy of looking forward to a holiday. Fading Affect Bias: Why we tend to remember negative experiences less vividly than positive ones. Emotional Hot Potato: How negative emotions can spread like a game of hot potato. Fact Tennis: The competitive back-and-forth exchange of facts in conversations. Self-serving Bias: Our tendency to attribute successes to our character and failures to external factors.…That satisfying, superior, and slightly sinful feeling you get when you see the police pull over the aggressive driver who just sped past you? That’s Schadenfreude. What is Schadenfreude? Schadenfreude is the pleasure we take in someone else's misfortune. The word is a loanword from German, combining Schaden (damage, harm, or hurt) and Freude (joy or happiness). Schadenfreude follows the same linguistic pattern as Vorfreude, which means anticipatory joy—the excitement we feel in anticipation of something positive. At first glance, taking pleasure in someone else's hardship might seem unkind or even morally dubious. Is it a character flaw? Am I an evil person? Yet, on a little more reflection, we discover that Schadenfreude escapes few of us and is both commonplace and revealing about ourselves. Why Do We Feel Schadenfreude? I hadn't thought much of Schadenfreude before reading some excerpts from Tiffany Watt Smith's book Schadenfreude. She makes a compelling case for examining the moments when we feel superior at another's expense as a small window into ourselves. The moments we feel Schadenfreude—whether small or significant—often reflect our personal insecurities, values, or sense of justice. As Nietzsche described, Schadenfreude can be "the revenge of the impotent," emerging from feelings of powerlessness or envy. A boost to self-esteem: When a colleague doesn't get a promotion, a little twinge of joy might reveal your jealousy of their situation or a deep-down resentment of unfairness. Justice served: If the person who pushed in front of you in line drops their ice cream right after buying it, your satisfaction might be a sense of justice and equity for obeying the rules when they didn't. A window into our values: Schadenfreude can highlight what matters to us, whether it's fairness, competition, or maintaining a sense of order. Understanding these moments doesn't make the feeling disappear, but it can help us use Schadenfreude as an opportunity for self-reflection. Examples of Schadenfreude Schadenfreude in Films and Stories: The Villain's Comeuppance At first, I thought that, like a Buddhist monk, I might rise above Schadenfreude and not let my weakness affect me. Yet, as we discussed it in our podcast on Schadenfreude, we realised that it's a common theme through so many Western stories and films. An almost universal theme for films involving good guys and bad guys is the eventual comeuppance, or reckoning, for the evil protagonist. In other words, the bad guys tend to lose and suffer in a nasty way. You know, things like getting pushed out of an airlock, having to walk the plank themselves, or being bitten by their deadly pets. Consider James Bond saying "shocking" as the villain he's been battling falls onto electric lines. Much the same as a mob may have felt when bringing a criminal to justice, typically, we don't pity the bad guy. Often, the writer intends the bad guy's nasty end and the good guy's triumph against adversity to be the most satisfying part of the film—Schadenfreude at work. Schadenfreude in sport Schadenfreude is alive and well, in fact, practically encouraged in sports. In some ways, Schadenfreude is what many sports fans enjoy about sports. Imagine if the winning fans always shook hands with the losing fans, saying, "Jolly well played, you were very unlucky," and the losers said, "You were just too good for us today; good luck to you." Much of the rivalry that so many enjoy in sports would be lost. I know I've felt Schadenfreude when a player I dislike misses a penalty they didn't deserve—even when they're not playing against my team. It feels right, and it's hard not to feel satisfied. In fact, it feels good. I also learned that football fans can feel greater joy when their biggest rivals lose than when their teams win. Now, perhaps the world of sport would be a better place schadenfreude-free, but I can't see it happening any time soon. Reflecting on Schadenfreude While I can't wholly evade Schadenfreude, I aim to avoid its strong feelings. It makes no difference to me if a rude person later has a bad day. I should focus on what I can control and how I react to situations. When someone is mean, it's better if they come to understand a little how their actions impact others than if they have a terrible time. Having a miserable time may cause them to reflect on their actions and be more considerate in future. Or, more likely, it will cause them to be bitter and have no change at all. But when Schadenfreude strikes me, it's now an interesting opportunity for reflection. What does this feeling reveal about my values, and how can I use this insight to improve myself? Perhaps give it a try. Read More For a mini-intro to the intrigues of Schadenfreude, try Tiffany Watt Smith's TED Ideas article: Do you secretly feel good when others stumble? 5 ways to make peace with this very human emotion. I revised this sketch for the book Big Ideas Little Pictures. Ideas related to Schadenfreude If you found Schadenfreude intriguing, you might enjoy these related concepts: Vorfreude: The pleasure of anticipation—like the joy of looking forward to a holiday. Fading Affect Bias: Why we tend to remember negative experiences less vividly than positive ones. Emotional Hot Potato: How negative emotions can spread like a game of hot potato. Fact Tennis: The competitive back-and-forth exchange of facts in conversations. Self-serving Bias: Our tendency to attribute successes to our character and failures to external factors.

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