The wedding bar goes up the more weddings you attend

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I think there may be a counter trend at some point too, but generally I think this has some validity.

Published 19 Sep 2013

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Leading from Any Chair

An illustration for Kahlil Gibran’s On Marriage from The Prophet: an oak and a cypress tree with two figures holding hands, grow not in each other’s shadow.

Grow not in each other's shadow

Vorfreude is a delightful German word for the pleasure of anticipation. It combines vor, meaning "before" or "in advance", and freude, meaning "happiness". It's the joy from the anticipation of joy. How to get more happiness from the same activity? Vorfreude! The magic of Vorfreude For me, the magic of Vorfreude lies in how it stretches out the pleasure of any upcoming event or experience. Once I hit 'Confirm' to book a trip, it kicks off joy for months whenever I think about the trip. And the great part about it, if we're organised, is that a trip in December can bring 'anticipatory joy' from when we book it in January. I need only reflect on my positive feelings about the trip, and life seems better. "Vorfreude is the best joy" I've often found that the Vorfreude may surpass the joy of the actual trip. With my Vorfreude glasses on, I never worry about the mosquitoes, the heat, or the inevitable waiting on the journey. Germans have a saying that reflects this: "Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude," or Vorfreude is the best joy. Thanks to something called fading affect bias, the emotional weight of negative memories tends to fade faster than positive ones. This leaves us with a rose-tinted view of past trips and may conveniently erase the niggly parts we didn't enjoy, allowing us to focus on just the good parts of a trip coming up. Or perhaps it's our optimism bias (we had a fun podcast about optimism bias). Vorfreude is not just for the big events Vorfreude doesn't only apply to big events like a holiday or wedding. I find anticipatory joy in small things, too. I look forward to the first coffee in the morning every day. Sometimes, the coffee won't live up to what I'd hoped for, but hey, I'd already been enjoying the idea of it since I finished my last coffee the day before. I look forward to meeting friends and loved ones. I look forward to a dinner out. I look forward to weekends. I look forward to the next football match. I look forward to a cake coming out of the oven. Many people look forward to 5 o'clock each day. By simply reflecting on these moments of future joy, we can experience happiness right now, no matter where we are. Enhancing Vorfreude We can even work to cultivate and enhance our Vorfreude. As a child, nothing built anticipation like an advent calendar, ramping up excitement for Christmas day as I opened each new window. Sharing photos of your holiday destination with friends and family before you go and planning activities increases vorfreude. Getting good things in the diary can kick us out of languishing. In some ways, Vorfreude mirrors the benefits I get from fear-based training plans or the forcing function of signing up for endurance events later in the year—having signed up for the event, I start to benefit from it as soon as I get out training with friends. The opposite of Vorfreude Of course, you may not be looking forward to the trip that's coming up. Perhaps upcoming events are filling you with dread. Anxiety is an emotion perhaps closest to the opposite of Vorfreude, or anticipatory anxiety more specifically. I've also seen Vorangst proposed—with Angst being strong anxiety or fear—which seems a very suitable alternative. Avoiding expectations While thinking fondly about upcoming events can give you Vorfreude, a reader pointed out to me the dangers of thinking too much about how good something will be in the future. It's easy to slip into setting expectations in your mind about how good something ought to be. If it then doesn't live up to your expectations, it could affect your enjoyment in the moment. I guess the sweet spot is expectation-free Vorfreude. Voorpret It's not just the Germans who thought of giving a word to the joyful anticipation and excitement before an event. The Dutch use the word Voorpret for the same concept—pret meaning fun. Enjoy the moment But don't forget to enjoy the moment. I'm sometimes reminded of Calvin talking with Hobbes about the enjoyment of his favourite breakfast cereal, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs: "Ahhh, another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The second bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the end of my third bowl, I usually feel sick." While it’s great to savour the anticipation, remember to enjoy the moment when it arrives. More tips for Vorfreude in this excellent article by Rachel Dixon: The Vorfreude secret: 30 zero-effort ways to fill your life with joy Also see: Schadenfreude Fading affect bias 5 ways to wellbeing Wabi sabi If this isn't nice I don't know what is Choose passwords that make you happy Maslow's hierarchy of needs If money doesn't make you happy you're probably not spending it right I made prints for this as: the full Vorfreude sketch a simpler vorfreude picture with text (which works rather well as a message on a clock)—to be honest, this is probably better =) and just the umbrella and beachVorfreude is a delightful German word for the pleasure of anticipation. It combines vor, meaning "before" or "in advance", and freude, meaning "happiness". It's the joy from the anticipation of joy. How to get more happiness from the same activity? Vorfreude! The magic of Vorfreude For me, the magic of Vorfreude lies in how it stretches out the pleasure of any upcoming event or experience. Once I hit 'Confirm' to book a trip, it kicks off joy for months whenever I think about the trip. And the great part about it, if we're organised, is that a trip in December can bring 'anticipatory joy' from when we book it in January. I need only reflect on my positive feelings about the trip, and life seems better. "Vorfreude is the best joy" I've often found that the Vorfreude may surpass the joy of the actual trip. With my Vorfreude glasses on, I never worry about the mosquitoes, the heat, or the inevitable waiting on the journey. Germans have a saying that reflects this: "Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude," or Vorfreude is the best joy. Thanks to something called fading affect bias, the emotional weight of negative memories tends to fade faster than positive ones. This leaves us with a rose-tinted view of past trips and may conveniently erase the niggly parts we didn't enjoy, allowing us to focus on just the good parts of a trip coming up. Or perhaps it's our optimism bias (we had a fun podcast about optimism bias). Vorfreude is not just for the big events Vorfreude doesn't only apply to big events like a holiday or wedding. I find anticipatory joy in small things, too. I look forward to the first coffee in the morning every day. Sometimes, the coffee won't live up to what I'd hoped for, but hey, I'd already been enjoying the idea of it since I finished my last coffee the day before. I look forward to meeting friends and loved ones. I look forward to a dinner out. I look forward to weekends. I look forward to the next football match. I look forward to a cake coming out of the oven. Many people look forward to 5 o'clock each day. By simply reflecting on these moments of future joy, we can experience happiness right now, no matter where we are. Enhancing Vorfreude We can even work to cultivate and enhance our Vorfreude. As a child, nothing built anticipation like an advent calendar, ramping up excitement for Christmas day as I opened each new window. Sharing photos of your holiday destination with friends and family before you go and planning activities increases vorfreude. Getting good things in the diary can kick us out of languishing. In some ways, Vorfreude mirrors the benefits I get from fear-based training plans or the forcing function of signing up for endurance events later in the year—having signed up for the event, I start to benefit from it as soon as I get out training with friends. The opposite of Vorfreude Of course, you may not be looking forward to the trip that's coming up. Perhaps upcoming events are filling you with dread. Anxiety is an emotion perhaps closest to the opposite of Vorfreude, or anticipatory anxiety more specifically. I've also seen Vorangst proposed—with Angst being strong anxiety or fear—which seems a very suitable alternative. Avoiding expectations While thinking fondly about upcoming events can give you Vorfreude, a reader pointed out to me the dangers of thinking too much about how good something will be in the future. It's easy to slip into setting expectations in your mind about how good something ought to be. If it then doesn't live up to your expectations, it could affect your enjoyment in the moment. I guess the sweet spot is expectation-free Vorfreude. Voorpret It's not just the Germans who thought of giving a word to the joyful anticipation and excitement before an event. The Dutch use the word Voorpret for the same concept—pret meaning fun. Enjoy the moment But don't forget to enjoy the moment. I'm sometimes reminded of Calvin talking with Hobbes about the enjoyment of his favourite breakfast cereal, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs: "Ahhh, another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The second bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the end of my third bowl, I usually feel sick." While it’s great to savour the anticipation, remember to enjoy the moment when it arrives. More tips for Vorfreude in this excellent article by Rachel Dixon: The Vorfreude secret: 30 zero-effort ways to fill your life with joy Also see: Schadenfreude Fading affect bias 5 ways to wellbeing Wabi sabi If this isn't nice I don't know what is Choose passwords that make you happy Maslow's hierarchy of needs If money doesn't make you happy you're probably not spending it right I made prints for this as: the full Vorfreude sketch a simpler vorfreude picture with text (which works rather well as a message on a clock)—to be honest, this is probably better =) and just the umbrella and beach

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